As habitual and mythical folklore tells it, when a women turns 35 she begins the transition from 'human person' to 'dry, arid husk'. After blowing out the candles on the birthday cake - which she gets to eat whole now that maintaining her figure isn’t a concern because she’s no longer a viable candidate for sexual activity - there is the ceremonial burning of the wardrobe until all that’s left are chunky knits from Oasis, followed by the sacrificial letting go of any lingering hopes and dreams that don’t involve checking for lumps or looking after someone.
Eventually, her vagina will begin to gather dust, like piano keys in a haunted house. Every time a 35 year-old woman finishes her glass of red wine at 9:30pm and changes out of her mumu and into pyjama bottoms to go to bed with a book, she has to break out the handheld hoover, because when you are a 35 year-old woman removing your underwear is like taking a really, really, really old book off the shelf at the very back of the library. You know, because of the dust. Because she is old now. Expired. A few years prior, she may have been the definition of sexuality - literally - but there comes a time in every woman’s life where the tide of endless objectification will turn from “take it off, bitch” to “for the love of god woman, put something with long sleeves on, have some self-respect”.
All of which is to say: Fergie released a new video called “M.I.L.F. $” on Friday and it is the single greatest thing I have ever fucking seen in my life, because it completely subverts the ridiculous portrait of my own future I just illustrated for you above. We’ll get to the meat of it in a moment, but here is the premise: "M.I.L.F. $" takes place at the intersection of the 1950’s and a futuristic matriarchal utopia where Fergie is the head of a thriving community of power mums that includes Ciara, Kim Kardashian West, Chrissy Teigen, and Alessandra Ambrosio. It's kind of like Desperate Housewives, except they spend their days being waited on by topless men, posing next to baby strollers made of solid gold, and doing a lot of suggestive things with milk, rather than spray-painting "whore" on each other's garage doors. Truth be told: it's a carnival of beauty. Just look at it.
Sure, the song itself sounds like a jack in a box having a fit - we're talking "Anaconda" meets "Fun ft. Chris Brown" levels of terrible. Yet, at the same time, it is also not terrible and actually really good. In fact, it's a philosophical painting in the form of a music video.
Let’s take a closer inspection, frame by frame, and talk about exactly why it is amazing.
Before there is even so much as a choreographed wink, this vessel of milk arrives, stating that in 2016 MILF no longer stands for “mum I’d like to fuck”, it stands for “moms I’d like to follow”. At face value, this may seem like the kind of concept that would have come up in a world where Yeo Valley was tasked with creating branded content for Pornhub, but you don’t have to look much closer to see that this statement actually blueprints a new breed of woman. This is a music video in which everyone has incubated human life at least once, the youngest woman is 30, and their net worth is exceeded only by their number of Twitter followers. “MILF” now stands for a generation of women who, as well as parenting the shit out of their kids and maintaining their businesses, are also hot af and extremely good at the internet.
Now that important socio-cultural message has been established, we can rapidly cut to a montage of all the celeb mums doing typical mum things - yoga, hedge trimming (because it’s 2016 and women can handle a pair of garden shears by themselves now, thanks lads), and breastfeeding IN A PUBLIC PLACE NO LESS. Behold: world famous swimsuit model and extremely recent mother, Chrissy Teigen, looking like a Biblical icon while providing sustenance to a tiny human swinging from her tit.
Then cut to this aggressive visual metaphor in which the Milfman, driving around Milfville in his Milfvan, can barely keep his shit together in this magical community where the women are hot and powerful and the men are merely servile lactose-guzzlers.
In case you hadn’t seen the word “MILF” enough already, here it is in political campaign form, looking a little like how I wish the Hillary Clinton episode of Broad City had gone.
Not a lot to say about this right now but give it 15 years and I’ll drop it on whatever the new Twitter is with the caption “it me lol”.
Ok, here we go, the first shot of Fergie. Fergie, who we have not heard from since 2014’s “L.A. Love (La La)”. Fergie, who most people remember for being in Black Eyed Peas and pissing herself on stage. Fergie, who here looks like a pastel Bond villain about to fuck you with a strap-on at gunpoint.
One thing you will quickly discover about this video is that there is apparently no limit to how many situations “MILF” can be re-appropriated into. Despite presumably existing in Milfville - where everything is already “MILF” by prerequisite - the spa isn’t just a spa, it is a Milf Spa. The diner isn’t just any old diner, it’s called Milf Shake and looks like a leaked image from Harmony Korine’s Second Life account.
In case you’re wondering, I counted, and there are 24 references to MILF’s or mother fucking in this song. It opens with the chorus, in which Fergie confirms “I got that MILF money” six times, before segueing into a verse wherein you are immediately invited to visit somewhere called “The Dairy Duchess Love Factory”.
Professional hustler Ciara here, net worth $16 million, reminding Future to pay his goddamn child support on time.
Here is Fergie being a substitute teacher in a school that has the very special priveledge of not having the song’s key term shoehorned into its name to form Milf High or Milf Academy or whatever. She is, however, educating a group of horny teenage boys about the dairy-free alternatives to milk. Milk, which, in case you’ve forgotten, is currently operating as an extremely subtle metaphor for female sexuality, cash, and also semen. It's like Kelis' iconic 2003 hit "Milkshake" all over again, but even better, because Fergie says it more times and makes it about motherhood. This substitute teacher isn't just a Red Tube cliché. She has life experience. She's been on maternity leave and has plant-based dietary knowledge. She is here to remind you that women don't lose their sex appeal just because their lower body has been through the equivalent of pushing a watermelon out of your nostril.
Here is Kim Kardashian West, the Daenerys Targaryen of MILF$, showering herself in a metaphor for female sexuality, cash… etc.
Let’s take a second to imagine the conversation in wardrobe that led to this costume decision.
“Guys, I’m not sure if we’ve gone in as hard on the sexual innuendo as we could. Is there perhaps something I could wear that would hammer this point home a little more?”
“In this scene you are pouring a jug of metaphorical milk over your boobs, Fergie.”
“Yeah.”
“...”
“What about a swimsuit with a comically large zipper down the crotch that says SLIPPERY WHEN WET?”
Throughout the latter half of the video, you will notice the professional MILF$ taking a lot of selfies, reinforcing the modern power dynamic where your personality and your business are one and the same - owning it, legitimising it, at a time when people still don’t take it seriously as a business model even though Kim Kardashian Hollywood alone has raked in over $100 million in two years, been downloaded over 45 million times, and clocked up 16 billion minutes (that’s 30,342 years) of gameplay. But ugh, so many pictures of her arse on the internet. Jeez, she must be a right idiot.
To conclude, either a) this was all a dream or b) this man being fanned back to consciousness should probably go to the police. Also: ageism sucks, Fergie rules, and sometimes boobs have milk in them - deal with it.
Here endeth the lesson.
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