The Coachella line-up was released last night, meaning it’s time once again for hordes of people to complain about a festival they will never, ever, get their shit together to attend. Can’t wait to see the photoshopped line-ups you lot are going to come up with next year!
So, while everyone bandies around their opinion – "it's not as good as 2011 dude, 2011 was the year dude!" – yet secretly wishes they earned anywhere near enough money to jettison off into the deep red Californian sky of promise at a moment’s thought, there are a few things on the Coachella poster that we need to talk about. Like...
IT'S AT A POLO CLUB
Not every festival has to be set in a muddied field where cows shit, yeah, but Coachella is in a POLO CLUB? You know, the sort of place where your rich uncle spends his weekend being racist and people look snootily at you if you’re not dressed like a nautical explorer from a postcard. Having a festival at a Polo Club is like if Glastonbury was held in the primped hectares of the Dogmersfield branch of the Four Seasons. And the fun doesn’t stop there! Everyone travels home each night (or pays extra to camp in a sweat-box), you can’t bring alcohol in with you, and the alcohol that you pay bucket-loads for on site has to be consumed in a special area. Tickets start at $399 dollars and go up to $899 if you want VIP access which has luxuries like tap water and shade. Throw in flights, drugs, parking, food, and having somewhere to sleep each night and it’s probably going to cost you more than a month’s salary to go.
ALL THE MEMBERS OF RANCID ARE STILL ALIVE
IKR?
LCD SOUNDSYSTEM HAVE REFORMED!!!!111!1
WTF, you guys. I can’t believe I shelled out £10.50 (plus drinks and popcorn) to go and watch your “break-up” documentary at the overly air-conditioned Romford branch of Vue.
YOU ARE NOT GOING
Each year when the line-up is announced, the same people flood your timeline with the same things they say every year. They announce how this summer they’ll be sunning it up in Coachelly and totes need to get tickets ASAP, I can’t wait, OMGZZ yay SummerTime forever!!! This announcement will be made publicly, as if their friends don’t have a private message inbox, a mobile phone, or ears, and it will never ever happen. Why? Because you live in England and can barely afford the bus. It’s a pipedream versus the reality of a summer spent Instagramming shitty pictures of sunsets and £4 Mr Whippys on Brighton pier.
HOW IS THE GRASS ON THE POSTER SO GREEN?
All I want to do is lie on it forever and ever and ever until my back hurts and my hands are covered in crinkly indents from perfected blades of horticulture.
HALSEY IS IN A BIGGER FONT THAN GRIMES
For a few weeks last year, it was kinda impossible to avoid Grimes. As each day slunk by, another cover feature appeared, so at this point, I’m pretty sure I know Claire Boucher’s back-story better than this weird pimple I’ve been studying on my leg for the past three weeks. And with good reason too. Everything [insert publication here] said is true and this pimple is also starting to worry me. Halsey is also great, but with barely a trickle of press attention compared to the tsunami of Grimes think-pieces and reviews, the fact that she’s in a bigger font on the poster and therefore playing higher than Grimes means music critics are now obsolete. Anyone know of any good jobs going?
DIDN'T GUNS N' ROSES HEADLINE A FEW YEARS AGO?
Oh no, wait. Our mistake. We’re thinking about literally EVERY OTHER FESTIVAL.
THIS TIME IT'S THE "CLASSIC" GUNS N' ROSES LINE UP THOUGH
What’s a goon to a goblin?
WHY IS THE SKY BURNING AN INCANDESCENT AND APOCALYPTIC ORANGE?
Look at that shit. That is not a healthy or happy sky. Is this what they meant when they said it would be lit? If you notice the atmosphere is dashed with the pigment of terracotta pottery while you’re at Coachella this Summer you’ve either taken far too many drugs or the Mayan prophecy has finally been fulfilled and men with forked serpent tongues will soon be arriving on winged chariots to sacrifice Sufjan Stevens.
ELLIE GOULDING
Yeah, yeah. I get it: we’re living in #poptimism’s halcyon era. But Jesus Christ. Ellie Goulding? Really? Next to slots from James Bay, Major Lazer, Disclosure, and The Chainsmokers, half of the Coachella line-up isn’t too dissimilar from V Festival, or Wireless before they started booking ~urban~ acts in an attempt to appease an even wider demographic of people who shop at All Saints.
WHY DO AMERICANS KEEP EMPLOYING CALVIN HARRIS?
The grand invention of EDM in 2013 really did a lot for the guy who wore clothes from Burton and made “Acceptable In The 80’s”, huh? For the last three years, Calvin Harris has been touring anywhere that’ll take him, serving up endless residencies to any Las Vegas nightclub with a heated swimming pool, bottle service and ivory cast urinals. If this is what makes major festival headliner material in 2016, then, hell, lets either cancel music or pave the States over with concrete until it resembles one gargantuan parking lot.
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, IS COACHELLA THE BEST FESTIVAL IN THE WORLD?
Well... [revs up for long rant about surcharged Ubers, inaccessible mansion parties, ice cold Miller Lite, designated drinking areas, problematic headwear, and branded chill out rooms] it is the real festival experience™.
You can find Ryan Bassil on Twitter: @RyanBassil
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