Image by Christopher Classens
One thing about hip-hop, man... it's real. It is a thing that exists. Sometimes hip-hop gets extra real, though, like last week when a dude at a Slim Jesus show decided he wasn't real hip-hop and snatched his microphone, or that one time KRS-One literally tossed PM Dawn off the stage for pretty much the same thing, or anytime, like, Immortal Technique does a thing. But how can you tell when hip-hop is real and when it isn't? How do we root out the scourge of fake hip-hop? Let's rip through rap history for clues. Here are 50 times hip-hop was real. Let's use their example to Bring the Game Back to Its Essence and maybe Kick Off Another Golden Age.
When kids in the Bronx discovered Kraftwerk
ZULU NATION!
Every time Rakim rapped, and you couldn’t hear him pause to breathe
How!?
Flavor Flav and Chuck D telling us 911 is a joke
Still true.
When Kool Moe Dee smashed a Kangol under his Jeep on the How Ya Like Me Now cover to get at LL
via Discogs
He didn't like it.
Snoop and Dre having nuthin but 40's in the fridge in the "Nuthin But a G Thang" video
Stay strapped at all costs.
Wu-Tang Clan actually turning out to not be anything to fuck with
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The motherfuckin' ruckus was brought.
J Dilla's entire life
He lived and breathed it.
That one time Zev Love X from KMD bought a Doctor Doom mask
Hey!
When Kendrick Lamar told us we’re gonna be alright
"ALL MY LIFE I HAD TO FIGHT!"
When Ice Cube got fired on his day off in Friday
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Craig. Craig!
Busta Rhymes hitting the Cha Cha
Drake who?
Rawkus Records, am I right?
TFW you fortified live.
When Outkast rescued me, you, your mama, and your cousin too
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Why was there a desert in the forest, again?
The first four minutes of the movie Belly
Greatest rap video of all time.
Puff and J-Lo fleeing the scene of a 1998 nightclub shootout
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Don't be fooled by the rocks that she got.
When Omarion and Marques Houston did it for Lil’ Saint
Gone too soon...
When Troy Ave brought New York back
It's still unclear what or where the city was brought back from.
Every time DJ Khaled needs “another one”
We changed a lot too.
Every time Jadakiss told us what color the whip was
"You can't stand Kiss / Coming through the hood in an Aston Vanquish the color of dandruff"
Every time Young Thug dresses himself, and it go motherfuckin viral
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Thug stays dressed, haters stay pressed.
When Lil Flip came thru the garage sale
"Just hit the website and tell em Flip Gates sent you / We furniture and all, but we ain't touchin' dentures."
When 2pac told Yo! MTV Raps he beat up the director of Menace II Society and caught an assault charge
Greatest rap interviewee of all time.
When Ralph McDaniels interviewed the Roc-A-Fella Records camp backstage at Summer Jam 2001, but Jay Z just did sign language
"..."
Nas
Whose world?
Cam’ron resisting a carjacking, getting shot, driving himself to the hospital, and refusing to cooperate with police afterward
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Stop snitching.
When Foxy Brown took 32 grams, chopped it in half, doubled it times three, divided the profit by four, subtracted by eight, and added the other two that Mega brought through
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Affirmative.
Webbie getting baptized in a barrel on Easter Sunday in a white tee, jeans, bandana, and gold watch
Swerve on em.
The time Lil Kim was gone for a minute but then she came back with "The Jump Off"
East Coast, West Coast, worldwide.
When Boosie’s daughter told y’all her daddy was coming home
She ain't lie!
Every time a sitting President of the United States got mad at Kanye West
Like we always do at this time.
Future
Freebandz, Freebandz.
DMX constantly trying to find his dogs
Where were they, though?
When Lil B met Clams Casino
What you doin'? Bruh, I'm gangsta.
The time dude nearly died crashing his motorcycle tricking down the highway in Drag-On’s “Spit These Bars” video
Who left the footage in?
Every time Mary J. Blige hits a two-step
Get it, auntie queen.
When Pimp C challenged Atlanta rappers’ dope prices
"Feelings is like booty holes. Anybody can have they own feelings."
When Papoose had the five boroughs in his hands in the “Touch It (Remix)” video
Streets mad delicious.
That one year everyone wore accessory aviation goggles
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I had two pairs.
Nicki Minaj frying all our lookin asses
We deserved it.
Joe Budden scoring a hit no one realized was about jerking off
Pump what, now?
J. Cole scoring a hit everyone realized was about jerking off
Shouts out rap songs that double as condom instructionals. ("The J, the I, the M, the M, the Y, the J, the I, the M")
Whenever Angie Martinez rapped
Come back, Ang. The game needs you.
The movie BET always plays where Q-Tip goes to jail for killing Fat Joe
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Spoiler alert: It's bad.
Redman taking MTV Cribs to the bando
Cribs never got realer.
The whole Dungeon Family LARPing on the cover of the Even in Darkness compilation
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"To become forever more Excalibur."
Every time Trap God Gucci Mane blesses an artist, and they blow up afterward
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Waka, Nicki, Thug, Future, Migos...
Beyonce’s “Upgrade U” verse being better than Jay’s
"Silk lined blazers, diamond cream facials / BBS cufflinks, six star pimp suites"
Lil Wayne’s “Upgrade U” verse being better than both
"Bitch, holla, it is Lil Weezy / They cannot see me, they are like Stevie"
Jim Jones’s mother crafting a diss song, video, and commemorative t-shirt after an argument with her son’s fiance.
Eminem's mom did it first but with a fraction of the #BARZ and finesse.
T.I. and Tiny's animated Holiday Hustle Christmas Special
What is the North Pole but a cartel for toys?
Craig got the real live shit from front to back. Follow him on Twitter.
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