Girls Dreams

Photos via Drake's Instagram

Like every celebrity who suddenly discovers the weight room and creatine, Drake has been posting a lot of workout photos lately. And like every celebrity who relies on a personal trainer, Drake’s workouts are shit. All of it. Form, routine, motivation. All shit, bro. Noisey asked me to go through Drake’s workout and give some feedback.

A bit about myself. I’m 5’ 10”, 195 lbs when I’m in a bulk period. My PRs are 335 bench, 465 squat, 495 deadlift. On rest days when I’m not at the gym, I’m usually cruising the Bodybuilding.com forum. My philosophy is: You get the body you work for, not the one you wish for. Go heavy or go home. Train hard.

Flat Bench Press (on a Smith Machine)

LOLOLOL. Bro. BROOOO. Where to even start on this. First off, I always had you pegged for a Smith machine boy. Running through the Smith with your woes. 295 on a Smith machine ain’t a real 295. Wake me up when you got six plates on the bar, kid.

Second, you got noodle legs, bro. You gotta plant your feet. Bench power comes from your lower body, too. Also, you might wanna let the bar, you know, actually hit your chest so the rep counts. Not that any reps on a Smith machine ever count.

You gotta tuck your elbows and sturdy your wrists out more, too, bro. That trainer should be ashamed for letting you get away with that half-rep cheat shit.

 

Deadlifts

Here’s Drake with a big 225 dead. Look out! Your back is too arched, bro. You gotta drop your ass to the floor or you’re gonna slip a disc and end up back in that wheelchair.

 

Pull-Ups

This photo is mad staged. You can tell because there’s no tension in his “muscles.” Anyway, use an underhand grip on pull-ups, instead, guy. It will hit your lats deeper and give you a better stretch. They’ll also hit your biceps which, uh, you need, bro. Can’t tell what the owl tattoo is saying but is it, “This guy is definitely using the pull-up assist machine?”

 

V-Bar Rows

via OVO

I know I’m supposed to be critiquing your rowing form but I can’t stop looking at those twigs you got for legs. “Walk in like I’m a guy who has ever done a squat.” Nike wasted their money on this endorsement.

 

E-Z Bar Bicep Curls

This confirms what we all thought about Drake: He’s the kind of guy who gathers all the weights in the gym, does a half-rep, and leaves them all on the floor.

 

Barbell Curls

lol @ you curling 135 bro gtfo

 

Even More Bicep Curls

Just keep looking at that weight, Drake. It might lift itself.

 

More Biceps: Dumbbell Curls

Drake likes to warm up with three sets of selfies. Reps going from 100 to 0 real quick. 

 

Concentration Bicep Curls

Hey, look. More bicep curls for Drake. You gotta get a full range of motion, bro, not just a full range of emotion.

 

Holy Shit More Bicep Curls

Drake’s lifting routine:

Sunday: Biceps.
​Monday: Biceps.
Tuesday: Biceps.
Wednesday: Biceps.
Thursday: Biceps.
Friday: Biceps.
Saturday: Biceps.
 

Prowler Push

Drake looks childish in this photo. You can tell he was the kind of kid you only hung out with because his mom bought him cool video games.

 

Ropes

Yeah, ropes, bro. That’ll get you swole.

 

Ropes (Again)

Last name Leg Day, first name Never.

That Guy at the Gym is currently at the gym doing squats (not in the cardio section). He endorses N.O.-Xplode to get into beast mode and Optimum Nutrition Hydro Whey Protein Powder.

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