Remember when the Brit Awards weren’t just an excuse the entire music industry made up in order to get drunk on someone else’s credit card and end the night in the hotel room of a semi-famous pop star? No? Us neither, but that’s a good thing. All of our favourite Brit moments have been born out of debauchery. I mean, you’d have to be at least five Long Island Ice Tea’s deep to even consider pairing The Klaxons and Rihanna.
Tonight's ceremony kicks off at 8pm and will feature live performances from Justin Bieber, Adele, Coldplay, The Weeknd, Little Mix , Jess Glynne, James Bay's hat, and also Rihanna is rumoured to be performing with Drake. If that sounds all a bit much then don't worry, it's being hosted by Ant and Dec, which ought to bring things down a few notches. We'll be following the whole thing on our live-blog, eating the best/worst snacks imaginable and using the Definitive Brits Drinking Game we invented to consume more alcohol than recommended, but until then, here's some Brit Award moments that managed to elevate the ceremony above the usual dishwater narrative of week-night television.
KYLIE DOING A MASH UP OF "BLUE MONDAY" AND "CAN’T GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD"
Despite being flanked by two giant roll-on deodorants, Kylie managed to give the wipe-clean sex sounds of "Blue Monday" even more loin, making you want to do unspeakable things on the nearest stainless steel surface.
RONNIE WOOD TRYING TO CHIRPSE THORA BIRCH
Ronnie Wood’s impetuous sleaze-ridden attempts at trying to hit on American Beauty star Thora Birch, who is at least 30 years younger, are made all the more entertaining by Ronnie throwing his drink over a random stage intruder called "BRANDON BLOCK", and then standing on the stage looking confused.
Look at this face though, she’s definitely having a great time.
CAT DEELEY RIDING IN ON A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE
We will not forget.
50 CENT HAVING A MOCK POLICE INTERROGATION BEFORE “IN DA CLUB”
A long time ago, before he wrote the 50th Law, a book which interweaved his life story with parables of Socrates and Dostoyevsky, 50 Cent took some stimulus fromCrime and Punishmentfor his Brit Awards performance. Kerry Katona is interrupted by a video of a mock detention and interrogation by a policeman who appears to have learnt the tricks of his trade from Mr Plod off of Noddy. Fiddy then runs to the stage, managing to evade helicopter searchlights but hasn't realised that he’s spilt Petit Filous all over his trousers. Eventually, your mind is allowed to gently flutter to the memory of "In Da Club" soundtracking your first dry hump during the Year 9 French Exchange.
WHITNEY HOUSTON PERFORMING "IT'S NOT RIGHT BUT IT'S OKAY"
This is even better than toast. Seeing as it took place in the same ceremony as the Steps Abba medley I have searched the breadth of our island in vain for a photo of the screwface Whitney must have pulled while watching H straddle a chair. To no avail.
THE TIME THAT ALI G AND SHAGGY PERFORMED “ME JULIE”
Back in 2002, some clever marketing executive decided that it would be a good idea to get living caricatures Shaggy and Ali G on a track together and get them to perform it at the Brits, AKA a really great moment for television and a bad moment for both careers. Unfortunately, because this glorious performance exists in an era when every televised moment wasn’t uploaded to YouTube hundreds of times, made into GIFs, and re-blogged over every single website, no footage exists. But if you use your mind, like old people have to, then you’ll remember.
AMY WINEHOUSE AND MARK RONSON
A few years after Amy Winehouse threw some form of spherical fruit at her Best Female Artist adversary Dido’s album poster shouting “I HATE YOU DIDO”, Amy got super famous and Dido Florian Cloud de Bounevialle O'Malley Armstrong was still called that. In this rendition of "Valerie", Amy minces around on her vertiginous toenails so endearingly that you can almost ignore Mark Ronson using one of those two necked guitars that are smugger than dolphins.
OASIS SINGING BLUR’S “PARKLIFE”
Say what you like about the Gallagher brothers being a bunch of pricks who just happened to make the best music since The Beatles, but at least they know how to have a laugh unlike every other dickhead that has ever tried to dress like John Lennon working as a bin man.
AND A FEW YEARS LATER WHEN HE ASKS THE TV PRESENTERS WHERE HE CAN FIND ALL THE CLASS A’S
THE GOLDEN PARTNERSHIP OF RI-RI AND KLAXONS
Remember that bucolic time before triangles became so overexposed that an Essex school had to ban triangular flapjacks? Rihanna still had sleeves and The Klaxons wore tunics fringed with womb lining.
DIZZEE RASCAL WITH HARPS
Have you ever found yourself sitting down, listening to some grime and thinking, damn son, this really needs some harp and a mildly interesting ginger on backing vocals? Clearly you haven’t, because only one person in the world has ever done that and it’s whatever money-grabbing bastard designed this exit-door for Bow’s superstar. Big love to Dizzee though, he’s still our boy. A couple years ago we were mad that he’d moved to Los Angeles and stopped making music to help us see the light at the end of the N8 bus, but then he released last year's double-threat of bangers "Pagans" and "Couple of Stacks".
KLF AND SIMPLY RED SHARE THE AWARD FOR BEST BRITISH BAND
The KLF were a seminal acid house band who sometimes went by the name of The Justified Ancients of Mu Mu, and were famous for ‘anarchic situationist actions’ like burning £1,000,000 cash. They jointly won the Best British Band award with Simply Red, whose frontman Mick Hucknall is famous for having his dreadlocks thrown up on by Martine McCutcheon. KLF responded by sending a dead ewe to the after party.
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Photo credit: ITV
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